PicoBusiness

There are two types of pundits in this world. The first type (type B) is quiet, contemplative. They look at the world, they provide their thoughts, they learn new things, they generally try to be a reasonable voice that helps people make up their own minds.

Those pundits are weenies.

Real pundits (type A) are people (men, usually) who demand that you agree with them, if they have to rip their way through your monitor or newspaper and grab you by the throat and shake you until you see the light. These are the movers, and shakers. They can do no wrong. If you disagree with them, you’re an idiot (at best) and/or a complete moron. If you don’t understand them, you’re an idiot, and/or deliberately being obtuse. They know what the truth is. They know what is going to happen next, and they know why everyone would be better if they just listened.

They get all the speaking gigs, and the TV show time. They get to pontificate and ramble on about their topics, and get in shouting matches with everyone. New data comes along that isn’t consistent with their worldview? It’s flawed or the study is flawed, or it was paid for by X or the timing is questionable. New study comes along that supports their worldview - it’s ultimate vindication that proves that everyone who ever disagreed had their heads stuck up their asses.

“Screw Type B!” I hear you cry. “I want to be a Type A pundit! How do I get there, John?”

Luckily for you, I have a list I’ve prepared:

1. Accept and embrace the fact that you are always right. - this is incredibly important - you can’t be a Type A pundit if you’re not always right. “But I was wrong about X before” you whine - STOP! No More Whining. Type A pundits do not whine, and they are not wrong. Got it? It never happened. I’ll repeat that for those of you who are slow. You were never wrong. You were just misunderstood.
2. People who disagree with you are the scum of the Earth. - this is critical - even Type B pundits who disagree with you are scum. They are tools of the opposition. They are in cahoots with your enemies. They are only one step… well, a half-step up from child molesters. In fact, they probably are child molesters, in addition to disagreeing with you. They deserve nothing but contempt.
3. Abuse your listeners/viewers/readers - think about it. If they were sure of themselves, why would they pay attention to you? Clearly, they need a guiding light. And will they consider you a guiding light if they don’t feel inferior to you? Of course not. So you have to abuse them. Call them names. Soak them for money. More importantly, tell them that you’re soaking them for money. Tell them they’re fools if they don’t do everything just like you do. Make them feel guilty for even ever considering that you might have been wrong about something. Tell them to “wake up” and realize that your point of view is the one true point of view, and everyone else who doesn’t agree with you is living in a “sub-human” state (this is particular popular amongst some personal development gurus I know).
4. Deplore the vile rudeness of your enemies, and then throw feces at them. - Nothing, but nothing gets your audience going like feeling that you are being unfairly attacked. It doesn’t matter how “polite” the attack is - it’s an affront to man, nature and everything in between. A demonstration that in addition to being half-a-step above child molesters, your rivals are also inexcusably rude and hateful. And then, once you’ve shown what a victim you are of the vile manners of the opposite side, go for the throat. Infidelity, bribery, conflict of interest, littering - bring out any scrap of dirty laundry you can find. After all, they did it to you first.
5. Generate cutely abusive nicknames for everyone. - Nothing shows your contempt for your enemies like a happy little nickname. “Hibernator”, “Breeder”, “Timmeh”, “Wanker”, “Commie Chris” - keep it short and to the point, and use it, use it, use it. Eventually, you’ll have your own jargon that your audience can share with you, creating a clique for you to administrate. If you are good, you can create nicknames for your friends too. But of course, if you aren’t good, you’re a talentless hack who shouldn’t be reading this important treatise. Get out of here, loserinos!
6. Do your homework, but not too much. - Nothing will spoil the fun like too much time researching your subject. At best, it takes up valuable insulting time. At worst, it provides you with conflicting data that sucks the air out of your crusade/jihad (pick whichever word offends you more). I’ve read numerous studies on this, and let me tell you, the data is clear.
7. Lie about how much time you spend examining the data. - The previous point aside, don’t tell anyone that you’re too busy being a pundit to do the fundamental research. You want your enemies quaking in their boots/flip flops/mocassins, fearing the righteous wrath that you can bring down upon them, usually in the form of non-cited references to numerous studies that prove what you are saying.
8. If you put it in bold, it must be true. - ’nuff said.
9. Lists make people believe. - Lists on the Internet are like blue-ribbon panels. Instant credibility. Remember, your audience believes that you’re never wrong. They’ll read whatever they have to into your list to make it true for them.
10. A little cultural elitism goes a long way. - As far as anyone’s concerned, you don’t watch much TV, you are well travelled, you have a fine palate for wine (although imported beers will do these days), you are an avid reader and you listen to classical music and/or fine alternative bands. Nothing turns off an audience like the knowledge that you’re an RC cola swilling, American Idol/Survivor/Big Brother-watching Barry Manilow fan. …Unless you’re a gay pundit, in which case, you’re just being counter-counter-cultural.
11. State your opinion as though it is proven, well-known fact. - This is perhaps the most versatile tool in the pundit toolkit. For example, I could simply state that ‘It is well known that the best way to enjoy brie is on thin, dry crackers’. And it’s true!
12. Assume that everyone is like you. - This is another favorite of personal development gurus. Let’s say you have a manic personality disorder, and it gives you the focus to do two or three times the work of the average person. Well, that’s a gold mine - all you have to do is tell everyone that they should do everything that you do, and they’ll be able to do two or three times the work of the average person too!
13. Repeat, repeat, repeat. - Numerous studies have shown that the more often you repeat a message, the more it will be believed, regardless of the facts. My personal experience also demonstrates that this is true. The more often you repeat a message, the more it will be believed.
14. You see the big picture. - It doesn’t matter how creative, how successful, how well educated, how well travelled or how experienced your rivals are. If they don’t agree with you, it’s at least partially because they just haven’t really thought about how the world works.
15. Don’t worry about consistency. - your opinions don’t all fit together neatly? WHo cares! Those nitpickers just can’t see the big picture. They’re probably too busy watching ‘Lost’ and pretending its fine art like The House of the Seven Gables. Those philistines.

And there you have it - do the things I listed above, and you will be well on your way to punditry heaven - full of servile fools, lackeys, flatterers and yes-men (and women). Don’t think that this sounds like a fun and pleasant life? Well then, you’re either an idiot, or you’re just not honest enough with yourself to admit that
you don’t have what it takes.

And if you do these things, and punditry heaven doesn’t come? Well, you just didn’t do it right.